God is in This Story

Cancer is stupid. That was the consensus this evening as my family watched a recorded episode of the current season of “America’s Got Talent.” Cancer is an “a-word hole”, according to my 9-year-old – and I couldn’t agree more.

This particular episode of AGT was the first one of the current season. We’ve been fans of the show for many years and enjoy watching it every summer. There was a choir from Johannesburg, South Africa that performed a song called “It’s OK”. The choir was good from the moment they started, but when I heard the chorus of the song and realized what it was, I got goosebumps. The judges all became very emotional during the song, and eventually they awarded a golden buzzer (a free pass to skip the rest of the audition process and go straight to the round of live shows) to the group. The song was performed beautifully and it was clear that it meant a lot to the judges and the host (gotta love Terry Crews!).

You see, this song was performed by another person during their audition for AGT in 2019. It was an original song by a young woman named Jane Marcxewski, also known as Nightbirde. When Jane took the stage, she endeared herself to the audience and the judges immediately. As they were doing the usual introductory questions, they asked her what she did for a living. She said that at that time she wasn’t working because she was battling cancer. When asked what type of cancer, she said that the last time she checked it was in her spine, lungs and liver. And then she went on to sing these beautiful words, which she said described the story of her past year:

I moved to California in the summertime
I changed my name thinking that it would change my mind

I thought that all my problems they would stay behind
I was a stick of dynamite and it was just a matter of time, yeah

Oh dang, oh my, now I can’t hide
Said I knew myself but I guess I lied

It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay
If you’re lost, we’re all a little lost and it’s alright
It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay
If you’re lost, we’re all a little lost and it’s alright

It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright

I wrote a hundred pages but I burned them all
(Yeah, I burned them all)
I drove through yellow lights and don’t look back at all
I don’t look back at all
Yeah, you can call me reckless, I’m a cannonball (uh, I’m a cannonball)
Don’t know why I take the tightrope and cry when I fall

Oh dang, oh my, now I can’t hide
Said I knew what I wanted but I guess I lied

It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay
If you’re lost, we’re all a little lost and it’s alright
It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay
If you’re lost, we’re all a little lost and it’s alright

It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright

It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright

Oh-oh-oh-oh, it’s alright
Oh-oh-oh-oh, it’s alright
Oh-oh-oh-oh, it’s alright

Oh-oh-oh-oh, it’s alright
To be lost sometimes

It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay
If you’re lost, we’re all a little lost and it’s alright
It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay
If you’re lost, we’re all a little lost and it’s alright

It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay
If you’re lost, we’re all a little lost and it’s alright
It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay
If you’re lost, we’re all a little lost and it’s alright

It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay
If you’re lost, we’re all a little lost and it’s alright

The performance was beautiful and so moving. Simon Cowell eventually gave her a golden buzzer, moving her on to the finals. As Jane left the stage, she had a conversation with Terry Crews and she told him that she had been given a 2% chance of surviving her cancer – and then she said “but 2% is not 0%; 2% is something and I wish people knew how amazing it is”. Unfortunately, Jane was not able to complete the AGT competition, as her cancer became worse. She died in February of 2022. The reason that Jane used the stage name of Nightbirde was because of a recurring dream she had in which birds sang outside her window in anticipation of the morning. She said that “it felt poetic that these birds were singing as if it were morning” even though there was not yet a sign of morning. She said she wanted to be like the birds who sang as if it were morning even though it was still dark. It seems to me that she did exactly that. With such a grim diagnosis, she sang even though she couldn’t see the light and even though the odds were stacked against her. One of the things she said on AGT, when questioned about her positive outlook was “you can’t wait until life isn’t hard anymore before you decide to be happy”.

Dang! In the short time I’ve been familiar with Jane, she has taught me a lot about having faith in the darkest times. I remember hearing about when she passed away, although at the time it didn’t register as anything more than a sad moment – it was during my own illness and struggle with my mental health along with my physical health and honestly, I was pretty wrapped up in myself.

In the time since, I have had many moments when I have struggled with the randomness of cancer. You see, sometimes I forget I even had cancer. Although I had a lot of physical problems related to the cancer I had, I didn’t have to go through what might be considered as traditional treatments: No chemo or radiation. No hair loss or severe stomach issues or pain. I had some issues to be sure, but I guess they hit me in a different way. And I wonder why. Why did my good friend Marci have to isolate herself for half of a year to protect herself during her cancer? Why did my friend Lawrence have to endure so many difficult months of treatment only to then pass away from cancer? Why did my wonderful mother-in-law have to struggle with cancer at the same time she was dealing with the loss of her husband? Why did my beautiful mama have to deal with a tumor at the same time she was battling Alzheimer’s disease, ultimately losing her battle? Why do all those precious children at St. Jude and so many others, have to know what cancer is at all? Why did Jane have to battle cancer and lose her life to it in the prime of her life? Why?

I don’t have an answer. I don’t even know if there is one. But I do know this…if I claim that God is in my story, which I wholeheartedly believe He is, then I must (and do) believe that cancer is a part of that story.  Just as it is for all of those I mentioned and so many others who are fighting, or have fought, the good fight. If I had lost my life to cancer, God still would have been in my story. He is still good and glorious! I don’t know the answers to the why of cancer or anything else really, but I’m grateful to be loved and known by the one who does know and care. God gave Jane the recurring dream about the birds singing like it was morning even though it was the middle of the night (the darkest time), as a reminder that he was with her even in the darkest times. He does that for us too! Whether it is cancer you’re facing or something different, remember the words of Nightbirde’s (Jane’s) song…It’s okay it’s okay it’s okay it’s okay, if you’re lost, we’re all a little lost and it’s alright!

Cancer is stupid. It really is an “a-word hole”. But God is good, all the time, and it’s okay.